DAYS AWAY FROM SWEET SWEET AFRICAN GOLD...

Say Hello to Mr. Tushy

Got an Email Today:

Mrs Monat

To 

Today at 11:33 AM

FOR YOUR COMPENSATION

Dear Partner 

Greetings, How are you with your family? I hope

fine. I'm happy to inform you about my success in getting those funds

transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from UK ,

Presently I’m in Australia, meanwhile I didn't forget your past

efforts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it

failed us somehow with you.I know you thought it was a joke and you

did not follow me up and droped out.

This is to notify you that I have deposited the sum of $750.000.00

USD drafted conformable cheque for you with the Airmail Delivery

company in my country Burkina faso through my secretary.

You are advised to quickly contact them so that they will deliver the

cheque to you.

Feel free in contacting them by email or phone, their contact below,do

inform me if you do so.

Airmail Delivery services

Manager Dpp Airmail

+226 76 940571

Email: airmaildelivery.services@yahoo.in

www.airmail.org

regards

Lady Monat

_____________________________________________________________

Topher Crowder To Mrs Monatairmaildelivery.services@yahoo.in

Today at 4:05 PM

Hello Miss Monat.

I just got your email regarding the sum of mony. I am not understanding wat you wnt me to do? Is this a PAYPAL thing? Please contact me as soon as you get this because I would relly like to halp you in what ever way.

Assistant Director of Fecal Transportaytion Systems Maintanence.

Mr. Topher Crowder

_______________________________________________________________

Confirmation Notice from Airmail Delivery Services

Dear Beneficiary .Mr. Topher Crowder

open the attached file for our delivery notice,

After making your choice you are advised to send the fee by western Union money transfer for us to deliver your cheque, here below is our Accounts officer's name for the payment

RECEIVER'S NAME : OSSAI OSSY CHUKS

ADDRESS: BURKINA FASO

Thanks We stand to serve you best.

Mr John Kara Zongo

Manager DPP

Airmail Management

_______________________________________________________________

Me

To Airmail Delivery servicesMrs Monat

Today at 2:47 PM

Hello my good freind mister John Kara Zongoo

I a just reading the email you sent me and I need your help. it says that i need no money but i thought i needed to send you money to get my check for 75 million dollares. I dont see how much i am to send you.

I need your help becauese i want my money as soon as possible.

1: is the money going to be in african money? what color is african money?

2: can you send me a copy of the check? i have never seen a 75 million african dollars beforew.

3: can we do this through PAYPAL? I can give you my PAYPAL password and you can just put the money in PAYPAL

please answer these questions my loving african male freind (with soft hands?) (i hope)

your loving ameruican frend

Mr Topher Poostain Crowder

________________________________________________________________

Confirmation Notice from Airmail Delivery Services

Dear Beneficiary .Mr. Topher Crowder

Thanks for your mail and request, for your clear understanding options were given to you to choose any courieer service of your choice and send the money to us by western union, now we are making the best choice for you DHL and the cost is $820

Be assured that as soon as we receive your payment with your full address in the next 48 hours your cheque will be delivered to you with the Bank clearance guarrantee of payment.

Here below is the information to send the fee $820 Dollars

RECEIVER'S NAME : OSSAI OSSY CHUKS

ADDRESS: BURKINA FASO

Thanks We stand to serve you best.

Mr John Kara Zongo

Manager DPP

Airmail Management

_______________________________________________________

WU ZONAL AREA OFFICE BURKINA FASO

PLOT 6 AVE NKURUMAH OUAGA BP

TEKEPHONE/FAX +226 6424 3973

BURKINA FASO

ATTN: Mr. Topher

Here is our office and you are directed to send the money through our Accounts officer’s name

As soon as we receive your payment in the next 48 hours your cheque will be sent to you

Send us your full address where to send your cheque

RECEIVER’S NAME: OSSAI CHUKS

ADDRESS;BURKINA FASO WEST AFRICA

Regards

Regional Director

WU BURKINAF FASO

ALHAJI DANCO ZONGO

_______________________________________________________________

Me

To Airmail Delivery services

Today at 10:10 PM

Hello my chocolate african man freind Airmail Manager Mr. John kara Zongo

I got your email but when I opened the file you sent, i ciould not read the goddam thing. It looked all crazy with crazy words. Even mother could not make heads or tails of it. It may be becaue you are typing it in africa and when it comes to america it isnt spellet right. I am sure as an airmail management person you spell pretty good for a african but here is america we spell much better.

I have turned mother's check into cash I(i sent a photo of the cash) Say hello to mr tushy, he is my kitty. So I have the money, But i just need yu to resend the western union address so I can send the cash to you.

DONT SEND THAT FILE AGAIN...copy and paist it in american english not your crazy african speak.

1: as soon as you resend the western union address I will send you the $900

2: DO you have family members in american, Maybe I could drive the money over to them?

3: Please hold my $750 for me untilll you have my western union mail in your chocolate soft hjands.

Thank you, you are a soft and kind chocolate african man that I would be proud to kiss full on the lips.

Thank you for your patience, i know we will have our money soon with your help.

Mr Topher PooStain Crowder (Is it true what they say about brown men from africa? how big is yours?)

_______________________________________________________________

Airmail Delivery services

To Me

Today at 12:16 PM

Dear Beneficiary .Mr. Topher Crowder

view the attached file

Thanks We stand to serve you best.

Mr John Kara Zongo

Manager DPP

Airmail Management

_____________________________________________________________

WU ZONAL AREA OFFICE BURKINA FASO

PLOT 6 AVE NKURUMAH OUAGA BP

TEKEPHONE/FAX +226 6424 3973

BURKINA FASO

ATTN: Mr. Topher

Here is our office and you are directed to send the money through our Accounts officer’s name

As soon as we receive your payment in the next 48 hours your cheque will be sent to you

Send us your full address where to send your cheque

RECEIVER’S NAME: OSSAI CHUKS

ADDRESS;BURKINA FASO WEST AFRICA

Regards

Regional Director

WU BURKINAF FASO

ALHAJI DANCO ZONGO

______________________________________________________________

Me

To Airmail Delivery services

Today at 9:44 PM

Dear locving tender choclate man freind Mr John Kara Zongo.

I just got your resent email with the same goddam attachment. I had mother take a look at and she thought it might be best if we had fer boyfriend Mr. Hatwood Jablowme look at it. Mr. Haywood was [planning to come over tonight to service my mother (she needs lovin' twice a week) ....anyways, he helpped us out with downloading your african jiberish so that americans can read it.

Mr Haywood Jablowme did ask me to ask you if everyone in africa was 'fucking retarted'...I told him that i would ask you. If you are your chocolate african countrymen are retarted, i hope the tender baby jesus will smile opon you to make you no retarted so much...

Any ways, I have the money $900 and mr. haywood Jablowme coppied this info for me..

1: Is this the banks mailing adress that I am to send the western union to?

WU ZONAL AREA OFFICE BURKINA FASO

PLOT 6 AVE NKURUMAH OUAGA BP

TEKEPHONE/FAX +226 6424 3973

BURKINA FASO

2: It is just that Mr. Haywood Jablowme is right, it looks fucking retarded....i mean what kind of name is WU ZONAL? A retarted name?

3: RECEIVER’S NAME: OSSAI CHUKS

ADDRESS; BURKINA FASO WEST AFRICA

Who is OSSAI CHUKS? He he a chocolate retard too? Should I just send the money to YOU?

4:Who is...

Regional Director

WU BURKINAF FASO

ALHAJI DANCO ZONGO....he he another one of the african retarts? Jeeze you guys need to learn to spell american.

5: OK OK....i just need you to confirm that i send the western union check to

WU BURKINAF FATSO at the WU ZONAL area office in Burkina Fatso

Is this correct. if it is I will send the $900 in the morning.

Please let me know as soon as you get this.

I will keep the vasoline warm until we can meet at I can see your african man root

((huggs))

Mr. Topher Poostain Crowder (not a retard)

______________________________________________________________________________

Airmail Delivery services
To Me
Today at 7:26 AM

Why are you making mistakes  see where to send the money to Mr  OSSAI CHUKS

His address is Burkina faso West Africa

That is all

____________________________________________________________________________

Me
To Airmail Delivery services
Today at 12:01 PM
Look Mister Chocolate uppity african who cant spell....ok that was un called for, im sorry.

Mr. Zongo, i am sorry.

I rode my bike up to the wesern union shop to get the check but there was a problem. The old bitch up there would not let me get a check. She said she would need a few things before she could make the check.

1: I have been dealing with you Mr. Zonger and I trust you (I would trust a mouthfull of your manroot).

2: I dont know who Mr  OSSAI CHUKS is and I will need to see identification ....I would hate for him to take the money and screw us over.

Please either have Mr  OSSAI CHUKS email me or have Mr  OSSAI CHUKS send me his photograph id card. Is Mr.Chunks a 'large' chocolate man?

Please send me his photograch and his papers. (from the waste down would be better)


I will be waitin g with my $900 dollars for your email photograph. with one hand one the computer and one hand on my white snake.

Love, Peace and Magic ((huggs)) **kisses**

Mr. Topher Poostain Crowder

_____________________________________________________________________________

Airmail Delivery services
To Me
May 31 at 1:26 AM
If you want to receive the cheque simply obey and send the fee that is all

_________________________________________________________________________

Me
To Airmail Delivery services
Today at 8:40 PM
Helloo My Chocolate friend.

I have the money all $900 for shipping
1: Western union needs your information photo.
2: the bith wont give me the check with out your identification card photo

I trust you but she does not. Please email your photpo itentification card photo. please

thank you

Mr. Topher Poostain Crowder

____________________________________________________________________________

Airmail Delivery services
To Me
 Today at 5:04 AM

Dear Beneficiary  .Mr. Topher Crowder

 view the attached file my photo
Thanks We stand to serve you best.

Mr John Kara Zongo
Manager DPP
Airmail Management

Say Hello to MR. Zongo

_______________________________________________________________________________

Me
To Airmail Delivery services
 Today at 3:39 PM
Hello and praise jesus my sweet sweet little chocolate man friend...

thank thank you you for the photograph as proof that you are an honest and loving african man and from the look of the photo, it looks like you are hung like a horse (i am dreaming yes)

I hope that some day i can have a taste of that sweet chocolate man root.

well i just messed myself...

ok ok back to business. i just got back from the western union shop with my check for your (see photo graph)

i am placing the check in the mail today. i want to get this right.

I am mailing your $900 to:

WU ZONAL AREA OFFICE BURKINA FASO
PLOT 6 AVE NKURUMAH OUAGA BP
TEKEPHONE/FAX +226 6424 3973
BURKINA FASO

please confirm. My mothers boyfriend mr. Haywood Jablowme says that i can kiss that monmey goodby but i know you are trustworthy.

please, confirn the mailing address.

i have inclided a photograph of your money and a surprise wish photo that maybe we can some day hold each other like my mlother and mr. haywood jablowme do (a boy can dream)
please confirm mailing address!!!


((huggs)) **kisses**  @@rim job@@

your white love
Mr Topher Poostain Crowder

A Boy Can Dream!!

________________________________________________________________________________
Airmail Delivery services <airmaildelivery.services@yahoo.in>;
To Me
Today at 7:10 AM
OK SEND

___________________________________________________________________________

Me
To Airmail Delivery services <airmaildelivery.services@yahoo.in>;
 Today at 5:36 PM
Hello my chocolate love king..

The check is boxed and addressed (see photo) I added some gifts to celebrate our loving relationship. I hope you like them.

1: I placed a check for $900 made out to Mr. Magoo Cockrocket just like you told me to.
2: I placed a used pair of my soiled underpants in the box. They have a little bit of ME in them so treat them well.
3: I placed a pair of Mother's used under pants (they almost did not fit)
4: I made a crayon outline of my erect penis and inclided that to.

I hope you love my gifts.

Please
1: could you send me a photo of your bank?

I need to tape it on the outside of the box so the retarded african mail people know where to take my money

1: Please send me a photo of your bank

I love our friendship and look forward to the day I can tatse your sweet sweet man root

Your lover
Mr Topher Poostain Crowder

A Gift For My Sweet Chocolate African King

____________________________________________________________________________

Airmail Delivery services

To Me

Today at 1:32 AM

YOUR HEAD IS NOT CORRECT YOU JOKER

GET LOST SON OF  BITCH

______________________________________________________________________________

Me
To Airmail Delivery services
Today at 1:33 AM

Please....help. dont leave me

Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

______________________________________________________________________________

Me
To Airmail Delivery services
Today at 2:11 AM

Hello?

Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

______________________________________________________________________________

Airmail Delivery services
To Me
Today at 6:29 AM
If i should help you then send the fee then I will help you to ensure that your cheque worth of $750,000.00 seven hundred and fifty thousand USD is sent to you and it mush be cleared in your bank account with the bank payment guarrantee we shall send to there in USA

_______________________________________________________________________

Me
To Airmail Delivery services
Today at 5:52 PM
 Prase Sweet Baby Jebus.
I though I had lost you my deer chocolate african man friend lover. You are a sassy buck arent you?! All in my face calling me not right in the head. My little chocolate man has claws (meow)

1: I am sending $25 along with my soild 'gifts" for you...
2: When you say you are sorry for calling me names I will mail $300
3: Whne you get my $300, you will mail me a check for $1000
4: When I get the check for $1000, I will mail you $600 more.

That is how it will go. Please email me and confirm that you are sorry for call ing me names.

I will sent the 25$ today.

@@rim job@@ {{hugs}} **kissess**

Your eturnal butt pirate
Mr Topher Poostain Crowder

______________________________________________________________________________

Airmail Delivery services
To Me
Today at 12:57 PM
OK AM SORRY I WAS JUST KIDING
________________________________________________________________________________

Me
To Airmail Delivery services
Today at 9:17 PM
Hello my little chocolate african man...all is forgiven!!!

Prase Baby Jebus!!! I forgive you.
I am mailing $25 american dollars (cash money) in exchange you will send me a saucey photo of yourself.

1: please let me know when you get My $25 cash
2: when you send me a photo of your wife or daughter wearing sheer to the waste pantyhose, I will send you $200.

Please send me more photos for more money
3: please confirm when you get this email.
I love you!! dont ever leave me. Some day we will live togehter under the eyes of our lord Baby Jebus

@@rim job@@ ((huggs)) **kisses**

your white man with a small pink wang

Mr. Toher Poostaine Crowder
_____________________________________________________________________________

Airmail Delivery services
To Me
Today at 12:02 AM

make contacts lets  make money ok
_____________________________________________________________________________

Me
To Airmail Delivery services
Today at 3:21 PM
re: your white snake lover craving chocolate man root

I am sorry, did I do something wrong? Why wont you speak to me?

If we are gonna make this love work, I am gonna need more that 3 or 4 words and a moneyshot to the face.

1: send me photos of your wife.
2: I will send you $20
3: My mother wants a photo of you with your shirt off
4: tell me you love me

your lover with a penis like a curly pig tail

Mr. Topher Poostain Crowder

A Mother's Love....

As we progress through life, we come to the realization that there exceptions to certain rules.

• You break it, you buy it....unless you are a hobo. Then it seems like you can break all kinds of shit and no one will do a damn thing, because urine soaked hobos are so damn lovable.
• If you can't feed them, don't breed them....unless you are an uneducated single mother on food stamps and without a job. Then by all means WE will feed your damn ugly poor kids so keep pumping those rats out.
• If it aint broke, don't fix it...unless you got a new set of $5000 22 inch chrome rims. Then by all means bolt those fuckers on your twenty year old Cutlass that you bought off of Craigslist for $100. Those rims will make any POS car look hot AND it's a good investment.

Today is mother's day. It has been fun looking on Facebook and seeing everyone's mother's day posts. The faded Polaroids showing young vibrant women holding their young children in a loving embrace. The black and white high school graduation photos of their mothers, taken when their mothers had their whole lives in front of them. Taken when their dreams were as bright as the noon day sun. Taken before they became pregnant. Taken before the unfulfilled dreams of youth were washed away and replaced with 6th grade parent teacher nights and waste cans lovingly placed next to the beds of children who ate too much Halloween candy.

Most everyone I know believes that their mother should be made a saint for what they had to put up with. The wrecked cars, the poopy pants at Denny's, the vomit on her favorite blouse, the $200 long distance phone bill for a girl you thought liked you and you would call every day, the eating of her reddest lipstick and then ruining the wallpaper by kissing it all down the hallway, the sealed letters from the homeroom teacher waiting for her on the kitchen counter when she came home from work informing her that her child has a problem with biting other students and she will need to come in to discuss it and finally all those times when she would have to make up the fold out bed in the basement again because her adult child spent the rent money on a various ill planned adventures.

A mother's love is fascinating and seemingly endless.

That is why it is best to learn very early in life that most rules have exceptions.

I learned that a mother's love has limits during the summer of 1972. I was four.

In my eyes, my parents were golden gods who worked very hard and could do no wrong. I didnt know it back then, but we were not a monetarily a wealthy family. But, my two older brothers and myself never were allowed to go without anything. It seemed that we had it all. Sure, I had iron-on knee patches on my hand me down Tough-Skins, But when you are a kid, those patches are goddamn badge of honor and look really cool. I didn't realize it then, but both my parents busted ass to make I and my brother's journey through childhood as effortless as possible.

Effortless and educational go best when they walk hand in hand.

My dad worked in the grocery business and received a lot of cool stuff from food brokers. We recieved toy race cars from Coca-Cola, a COX gas powered airplane from Sprite, and inflatable rafts from Coppertone. All this stuff was really cool but it was a portable cassette recorder from the guys at 7-up that I remember best.

Back in 1972, portable cassette recorders were big, had fake wood grain trim and generously trimmed in chromed plastic. The recorder was as big as a briefcase and had this massive black dial on the top next to the tray the cassette was placed into that made a loud 'click' when you turned it from stop, record and play. It also came with a single 60 minute Maxell cassette tape and a swanky handheld microphone.

This thing was tits for my eight year old brothers.

At first my brother's only were recording songs off the radio, favorite television shows, the neighbor kids were enlisted to scream silly songs into the mic, the cat was enticed to meow and the flushing of toilets was explored extensively. But soon, more creative outlets begged to be unearthed.

I have never been comfortable listening to a recording of my own voice. I have always thought that I sounded like some kind of Kansas City homo with a bad head cold and a stuffed up nose. As an adult, I have come to terms with my feelings about this. I mean, what can I do? It's not like I can cry about how I sound on someone's voicemail.

But, I could cry about it when I was four.

I don't remember what started me crying on that warm summer afternoon. I do remember my brother saying to me, "Why don't you cry loud enough for mom to hear?". 

At the time, his advice seemed like a good bet. Through my tears I could imagine my mother hearing my painful wailing and running into the livingroom to rescue me from my brother's dastardly plan to disembowel her youngest child. 

A mother's love...

My crying escalated. Maybe mom was next door having coffee at Rosie's house? Maybe it was time to take it from an eight to a ten?

Then I heard it. The sounds of my own nasally wails wafting throughout the house. I stopped long enough to hear a loud click and cassette tape being rewound. Then my recorded cries of distress again began to echo loudly. 

"STOP IT", I cried.

"NO", my brothers laughed.

I began to cry again. This time the tears were real and not just a call for the safe loving embrace of my mother. I ran from the living room and into my bedroom and slammed the door. From outside my room, I could hear my own sobbing being replayed, rewound and replayed over and over again. My brothers never stopped laughing and I began to cry louder and harder. 

Every new recorded broadcast was met with my own sobbing demands that they "STOP". After what seemed like an eternity, I finally resorted to burying my head into my pillow to muffle my crying but they had that damn swanky microphone that seemed to pick up everything. 

At this point, my entire face was a glistening mixture of snot and tears. Thats when the sound of the screen door slamming caught my ears. Mom was home. Now my laughing torturous brothers would be punished and my wounded bleeding soul would be healed by a mother's love for her youngest child. 

I cried loud enough for mother to hear.

The cassette recorder heard me first.

Through my recorded crying screams mixed with the wild laughter of my brothers, I could hear my mother ask "What is going on in here?". 

"Listen to Topher", my brother Tim chimed as he clicked play on the cassette player.

"STOP IT", I protested.

The cassette player did it's job, my brother's broke into wild laughter and my mom began to giggle.

In her own way, she thought the recording was funny. The recorded sound of her youngest child crying in pain amused her.

What little composure I had quickly melted and I became a sweaty sobbing blob with my head buried into a thoroughly moistened pillow. Every recorded cried of despair was met with a trio of hearty laughs from both my brothers and my mom.

"If you stop crying we will stop recording you", my mom added after every replay. That afternoon I also learned what 'circular logic' is.

But more importantly, that afternoon in 1972, I learned that a mother's love has limits. Scraped knees, bee stings and ear infections all fit into a mother's list of things that deserve her loving attention. A mother will go to the ends of the Earth to make her child with a swollen bee sting feel better. 

But if you are gonna cram your head in a pillow and cry like some kind of fucking pussy, you got another thing coming. I learned that my brothers probably would have stopped recording me had I punched them in their fucking heads. Sure, it may have turned into a bruised face and a nose bleed for me when they hit me back, but at least I wouldn't have been recorded and laughed at like some kind of retard. Besides, a black eye and a nose bleed would have got me a fair share of the mother's love thing.

So if you want your mom to love you, don't be an idiot. No one loves an idiot.

EASE MY PAIN, CLICK THIS AND BUY MY BOOK

Drunky Haiku

No one could see me

Alone and all by myself

I was wrong, both times

Drunky Haiku

"Are you done?" She said

"Um, I think so" I nodded

Her skirt was ruined